Planet Sasuke
by myfavoriteloser
Summary: Somewhere between the alcohol and vandalism and cutting class, he found himself. So sit back and enjoy the show, and let's just raise our cups to the corruption of a good-boy.


_**So here is the first chapter to the new and improved "Planet Sasuke" that I promised.**_

_**My updates for everything will take a while, because my AP classes are seriously kicking my ass.**_

_**Anyway, I didn't really change that much other than the last half; it's totally different.**_

_**Hope you like it!**_

_-language warning-_

* * *

_**Planet Sasuke**_

_Somewhere between the alcohol and vandalism and cutting class, he found himself. _

_So sit back and enjoy the show, and let's just raise our cups to the corruption of a good-boy._

**_Chapter One:_**_ Traitors Never Play Hangman_

* * *

Sasuke scowled darkly as he shoved his way through the mass of head banging bodies. The sound of Oli Sykes screaming blared loudly from randomly placed speakers, and it was making his head pound. Not to mention the fact that it was completely dark, save for a few multicolored strobe lights that almost sent him into an epileptic seizure. How the hell was he supposed to find Sai's faggot-ass in this mess?

Sometimes Sasuke really hated how friggin' responsible and _self-righteous_he was all the time. Seriously, if his cousin wanted to get drunk in some random junkie's house on a Monday night, it shouldn't be his problem. At least that's what he told himself over and over as he laid in bed earlier that night, staring at the ceiling and recalling his cousin's words from lunch that afternoon.

'_Hey, Traitor, I'm going to this wicked party with Sakura tonight. Cover for me?'_

Sasuke agreed, because last time he snitched on Sai, his cousin got in trouble and he forever earned the nickname "Traitor." But the later it got, the more anxious he became. He began thinking about how Sai was already on the verge of failing, and that his cousin was only one strike away from Sasuke's parents kicking him out. Before he even realized what was happening, Sasuke had already gotten dressed, grabbing his keys on the way out of his room.

'_If Sai's bitch-ass thinks he's not giving me gas money, he's fucking delusional.'_

Sasuke continued to fruitlessly search the crowd for another half-hour before familiar locks of hair caught hair eye. He squinted at the back of the person's head, racking his brain for why they looked so familiar. It was Sakura: AKA Sai's partner in crime. If anyone knew where his creepy cousin was, it would be her! He felt a victorious smirk stretch across his face as he started towards her. He didn't have to shove anymore; people moved out of his way now because he was the _shit._He grabbed the girl's arm and whirled her around.

"Sakura, we need to talk." the girl in question squinted her hazy eyes at him, the thick eyeliner she was wearing seeming to make them glow an eerie green.

"Do I know you?" her words weren't really slurred, but he would still bet his inheritance that the clear liquid in her red cup wasn't water.

"Oh wait," her face lit up in recognition, "Traitor!"

"That's not my name."

"Yeah, whatever," she waved him off, "but hey, you're kind of cute." She eyed him thoughtfully for a moment, and then grinned wildly.

"Here, drink this." She shoved the almost full cup into his hands.

Sasuke wrinkled his nose.

"I don't drink," he replied, pushing the cup back at her, "can you just tell me where Sai is so I can get the hell out of here?"

"What a shame," Sakura sighed, completely ignoring his question, "and I thought you were cool. I guess you're just a wuss after all…"

"I'm not my cousin," he scowled, "that stupid shit doesn't work on me." A brief look of defeat flashed across her face, but the smile returned full-force.

"Well since you won't do this little thing for me, then I don't see any reason to help you." with that, she turned on her heel, intending to saunter away. Sasuke jerked her by the elbow and snatched the drink out of her hand.

"I don't like you," he snarled, "at all." She simply smiled sweetly in response as he downed the entire cup in one go.

The alcohol kicked in immediately. He could already feel a buzz coming on, and the pulsing bodies around him began to sway slightly.

"What the hell was in that shit?" he croaked.

"Don't worry about it." she said off-handedly, grabbing his hand and pulling him easily through the crowd towards the kitchen.

The kitchen was packed. People lined the walls, cheering loudly and slinging their drinks everywhere. The island in the middle had been cleared off, and there were two girls lying on top in their underwear. The two guys standing next to the first girl struck victorious poses, one of them holding up an empty shot glass like it was the key to the city or something, and the other grinning with a piece of lime jammed in his mouth like little kids always do with orange slices before he chewed it up and swallowed. The other two guys, who apparently lost, were too drunk to care and passed out on the floor. Some of the people from the audience stepped forward and carted them off. Sasuke caught sight of his cousin standing off to the side, conversing with some random blue-haired guy.

"Yo, Sai!" Sakura called. The boy in question turned when he heard his name. He raised an eyebrow at Sasuke.

"What are you doing here?"

"He's partying, duh," Sakura answered, "Traitor here is going to be our third man." Sai's brow rose higher.

"_You_want to do _body shots_?" he asked incredulously.

"No, I want to take you and go home." Sasuke snapped, though his words most likely came out a slurred mess. He had to resist the urge to stomp his foot and flip things over. He was sleepy dammit!

"He's playing," Sakura said with certainty and gestured over to the guys that stood flexing, "these guys have been winning all night and they're getting cocky. It's about time that someone put them in their place." She shoved Sasuke not-to-gently towards the island.

"Take your shirt off and lay down, princess."

Now was about the time when Sasuke would usually say "No way in hell," but whatever was in that cup was really starting to get to him now. He didn't even notice he had complied until there was salt lining _very_ awkward parts of his body, and Sakura and his cousin were hovering over him: Sakura looking determined and Sai smiling creepily.

'…_What…the fuck.'_

Someone that Sasuke couldn't see blew a whistle, and the other two teens pounced on him like hungry animals. The feeling of their tongues swirling around on his skin sent jolts through his body, and he had to force himself not to think about how one of those tongues belonged to his freaky cousin.

'_This is some messed up shit.'_

He began to squirm, but Sakura pinched his nipple in retaliation. He hissed in pain behind the lime in his mouth, and cursed at her. He didn't have to see her face to know that she was probably smiling.

'_Stupid bitch.'_

What felt like hours turned out to actually be barely a minute, and Sai was soon grabbing the lime out of his mouth while Sakura dug around in his underwear for the shot glass. Her hands slipped and brushed against his business a few times because she was _so_drunk (drunk his ass), but she stilled downed the shot before the guy from the other team.

The kitchen erupted into cheers. Sai and Sakura high-fived each other. Sakura turned to Sasuke, grinning widely and smacking his abs.

"You did good, Traitor," she leaned forward, a wicked gleam flickering in her bright eyes.

"Oi," one of the guys from the other team yelled, "we demand a rematch; you cheated!"

Sakura rolled her eyes and faced them.

"You lost," she said smoothly, crossing her arms, "get the fuck over it."

"No," he cried, "we _never_ lose!"

"I think you just did." Sai piped brightly. A chorus of drunken "Ooh's!" followed his statement.

The second guy stepped forward. He was tall, with muscles out the wazoo and veins everywhere. He looked pretty much like he was on steroids or something…because he probably was.

"I don't think you guys want any trouble." his voice rumbled out of his chest like an earthquake. Drawing himself to full height, he stared down at Sakura and Sai in an attempt to intimidate them. The pink-haired girl only smirked in response.

"Bitch, please." then she knocked him out.

With. One. Hit.

'…_Shit just got real._'

Some random person Sasuke didn't know handed him a cup and he drank the whole thing with no complaints.

He was pretty sure he was in OZ by then, so he figured it probably didn't matter.

..

..

..

Somehow the three of them ended up in the middle of the street on their way to _Denny's_. Sai and Sakura were holding hands, singing a song from some Disney movie, while Sasuke put all of his concentration into staring down at his feet so he wouldn't trip.

'_I'm an idiot.'_

What would his poor mother think if she could see him now? She'd be so disappointed. She would probably go in her room and cry until her eyes shriveled up and crumbled to dust in their sockets. Then she'd spend the rest of her life blind, wondering why one of her sons turned out to be a drunken, juvenile delinquent, and the other had run off with his blue-skinned, penis-wielding lover to join a dangerous gang in South Korea.

'_Wait a second_-he paused, staring off into space with his head tilted in confusion_-isn't mum a hippopotamus?_

And hippopotamuses didn't have eyes right? He breathed a sigh of relief, a lazy smile spreading across his face. Well at least his mother's vision was safe. His future, however, was a completely different story. He'd probably end up taking his mid-terms in a detention centre somewhere, with Sai in one neighbouring cell and that pink-haired bitch in the other.

What the fuck had his life become?

…And where the hell was his car?

"Oi, Traitor, hurry yo ass up!"

Sasuke blinked back into focus. His two companions were a little ways down the street, waving at him from underneath the glowing _Denny's _sign. Usually he would not stand for being ordered around in such a demeaning fashion, but he was still trying to figure out what exactly was going on, so he decided to let it slide this one time. (Besides, after he found his car, he was going to make them walk back to the Bat Cave so in their faces.)

The door chimed, signaling their arrival. Sasuke squinted against the bright lights, scowling and dragging his feet, while Sakura and his cousin practically skipped inside.

"Karin, darling," Sakura sang, "we're here!"

A waitress appeared seconds later. She had awkwardly cut flaming-red hair pulled into a messy ponytail, thin black glasses, and a nametag that predictably read "Hello, My Name is: Karin." Her face split into a grin when she saw them.

"It's 1am on a Tuesday and you guys are totally shitfaced." she laughed, leading them to an empty spot at the back.

"It's 1am and you're still at work." Sakura countered, sliding into the booth.

"Please, like I'm actually going to school tomorrow."

"Like _we're_ actually going to school tomorrow." Sai laughed, plopping down beside his friend. Sasuke, who was about to sit across from them, paused.

'_What the fuck does he mean _not _going to school tomorrow?'_

"And who is _this_?" the waitress asked, not so discreetly adjusting her shirt to show a bit more cleavage."

"Don't even think about it," Sakura cried, smacking the table, "we're getting married, so back off you skank-ass skank!"

Sasuke sat down slowly, staring at her in wonder. They were getting married? We didn't anyone tell him? He needed to rent a tux!

"I was just asking," the redhead rolled her eyes; "I'll be back with your fucking pancakes. And you better hope I don't spit in your orange juice, bitch." Sasuke glared at her. Who did she think she was, calling his fiancée a bitch?

Yeah he did it like, a few minutes ago, but that was _before_ he found out they were engaged…it wasn't his fault.

"So, Traitor," Sai flashed his cousin an unnerving grin, "since you partied with us, I guess you're also skipping with us!"

Sasuke glared at all eight of the Sai's before him.

"Fuck no; I'm going to learn."

"Come on, Saske-kun," Sakura whined, "don't be so _lame_."

"Well I'm sorry if success is not considered _cool _to you."

"You have to come," she continued, "you're part of the group now!"

Beside her, his cousin nodded solemnly.

"Once you get totally hammered with us, there's no turning back."

'_Yeah well I don't want to be part of your shitty group, so you can go fuck yourself.'_

Karin reappeared with three glasses of orange juice before any more words could be exchanged. She handed Sai and Sasuke theirs with a sweet smile that quickly shifted into a sneer when she faced the lone girl at the table.

"I hope you fucking choke on it."

"I'm sure you do enough gagging for the both of us, Hun. Now run along, and fetch our Pancakes before I fill out a customer service survey that will get you fired."

"At least my forehead isn't big enough to provide cover for a small army!"

"I'm sorry; I couldn't hear you over your _thunder thighs!"_

Sasuke looked between the two girls, wondering what the hell was going on, and Sai just laughed at his cousin's confused expression.

"Can't you tell a pair of best friends when you see one?"

"I thought you were her best friend." he shrugged.

"Girls always have more than one best friend; they're weird like that."

He turned back to the bickering girls, noting how their insults were getting more and more outrageous—

"Well I hope you get raped by an aids-infected Goblin Shark!"

—and only one of them was supposed to be drunk.

'_What the fuck did I get myself in to?'_

..

..

..

_This is what the edge of your seat was made for,_

_Holding on, nothing to lose,_

_This is what the edge of your seat was made for._

..

..

..

_**And there we have it! I personally like it much more than the original. **_


End file.
